Hazardous Roses 3: Spray Nothing Toxic?

Obviously, the best way to protect yourself from chemical fungicides and insecticides is not to use them.  But is that possible?  Well, yes and no and, if you subscribe to the idea of integrated pest management (IPM), you might say that "yes and no" is the only answer.  Or to put it another way,  it depends on which roses you plant, where you plant them and what your expectations are.

There are a number of very nice, exhibition-quality roses that are quite resistant to the dozen or so different races of black spot, as well as other funguses, such as anthracnose leaf spot.  In my experience, many of the Buck roses are very fungus resistant.  Good examples are Earth Song (grandiflora), Prairie Harvest (a shrub that looks like a hybrid tea) and Carefree Beauty (shrub).  Bailey's beautiful line of "Easy Elegance" shrub roses are bred for disease resistance, as are the very popular "Knock Out" shrubs.  Keep an eye on the "Earth-Kind" trials, that are regularly publicized in the American Rose magazine, for more ideas on  fungus-resistant roses.  Here is the Earth-Kind website:

 http://aggie-horticulture.tamu.edu/earthkindroses/cultivars/

If you take fungus-resistant roses and plant them among other perennial and annual flowers and shrubs, there is a pretty good chance that you will not often encounter rose funguses other than perhaps powdery mildew, which is easily treated with non-toxic baking soda (3 tbp per gallon of water).  While these types of flower beds are truly beautiful and largely carefree, most rose gardeners like to have lots of roses and, therefore, want to plant rose beds with multiple cultivars.  Unfortunately, the more cultivars you group together, the higher the probability of attracting one of the dozen or so races of black spot, or anthracnose leaf spot, even if all the roses you plant are fungus resistant.  One way of mitigating this problem is to have multiple small beds and plant only one kind of fungus-resistant rose in each bed.  For example, one of the most beautiful beds I have is a grouping of 15 highly disease resistant Buck Earth Songs and this bed is virtually fungus free, except for one brief encounter with anthracnose leaf spot last summer. Here's how that bed looks in summer:

Insects are another story altogether.  Spider mites, aphids, thrips and, worst of all, Japanese Beetles, are our biggest problems in the upper Midwest.  Once again, if you don't have a lot of roses and especially if you have them mixed in with other perennials and annuals, you may be able to get away without spraying insecticides, especially if you are willing to live with some damage.  Spider mites and aphids can be effectively controlled by washing your roses with sharp sprays of water every two or three days.  The frequency of washing is very important with spider mites because their eggs hatch every three or four days (depending on the temperature) so you have to wash consistently to control the generations.  The frequent washing takes care of  the aphids too, of course.  As you can see, however, washing a couple of hundred roses for spider mites every three or four days is a major undertaking that cries out for another solution, which, unfortunately usually becomes the use of miticides.  Of course, I should mention that washing your roses is tantamount to top watering, which is a no-no in controlling rose funguses (i.e. you can't win).  Just be sure that you wash your roses in the sunshine when they will dry quickly, i.e. never wash them when they will stay wet overnight.

Even in a large rose garden, thrips can often be controlled by early and consistent use of detergent soap sprays (one tablespoon per gallon of water).  The trick is to get started early before you actually see the telltale brown signs of thrips on your flower buds, which is when these virtually invisible little monsters have penetrated deeply inside of every bud.  At that point, you almost have to use an insecticide, like Conserve SC, (Spinosad) which is derived  from naturally occuring organisms found in soil. In a small garden, however, one could cut away all buds that are beginning to blossom and start spraying with soap before more buds form. So there is more than one way to skin this cat if you have only a few roses (perhaps fewer than 25).  If they're mixed in with other perennials and annuals, you may never encounter thrips.

Here is a good, completely non-toxic formula that you can use for everything we've talked about thus far.

In one gallon of water, mix:
One tablespoon liquid dish soap
1 cup cider vinegar (5%)
1  325 mg aspirin tablet (crushed)

I really like this mixture because you can spray it without worrying about getting it on you. The trick with this  is to get started early and use if often; perhaps every five days. (As I write this in late February I'm reminding myself to take my own advice this spring).

Japanese Beetles

And now, let's talk about the monsters of the garden: Japanese Beetles.  On the theory that a picture is worth a thousand words, here's what the JBs looked like on one of my Robusta shrubs last summer.



Actually, JBs are quite easy to control without chemicals until they reach infestation levels.  I strongly advocate knocking JBs off your plants into a can of soapy water. They don't sting and they have a natural dropping instinct, so even in large quantities you can knock them off into the water fairly easily.  This is especially true in the early morning and at dusk, when they are very slow moving.  I would take my nitrile-gloved hand, cup it over the blooms above and sharply push downward into the can, hitting the edge with the blooms, knocking the insects into the water.  The problem is, when there are so many, you won't get all of them and the next swarm will arrive as soon as you walk away.  If you have only a few roses, controlling JBs like this is fairly easy but, when infestation occurs in multiple beds with several hundred roses, it can become a nearly full-time job just knocking off the beetles.

Spraying is a last resort on JBs but, if it becomes necessary in a large garden, it is important not to spray something, like Sevin (carbaryl) or Merit (imidacloprid), that impacts the beneficials in the garden, especially the bees.  In short, I have found, through  experimentation last summer, that the pyrethroid, Demand CS, meets that requirement and actually has a deterrent effect on JBs for about a week, allowing you to go back to knocking a much reduced number of insects into soapy water.  I believe that this is how IPM should be practiced.

Please read the following articles that I have published on controlling JBs in the rose garden:

http://jack-rosarian.blogspot.com/2013/01/the-beetles-are-coming-beetles-are.html

http://jack-rosarian.blogspot.com/2012/07/good-results-using-demand-cs-on-jbs.html

So, in conclusion, if you have a relatively small number of roses (25 or so), especially if they are planted in beds among other perennial flowers and shrubs, you can probably control fungal diseases and insects by natural, non-toxic means.  If you have a lot of roses in dedicated rose beds, like I do, you should practice integrated pest management as much as possible and never spray chemicals until you absolutely have to.  That means that no one should ever engage in  preventative spraying of fungicides and insecticides.  It is bad for the garden environment and bad for the gardener.

In my next installment of this series, I will deal with the best fungicides and insecticides to use, if you must, in an IPM program.

Jack Falker  E-mail: jack@falkerinvestments.com
02.25.13

Hazardous Roses 2: Protect Yourself!

This is the second of several articles I will be posting about the hazards of growing roses, both to the rose gardener and the environment. I am the first to admit that I have been guilty of creating these hazards, both to the environment and to myself, through the extensive use of fungicides and insecticides in my gardens. By the same token, I have also learned a great deal over the years about minimizing the use of chemicals through integrated pest management (IPM), which I would like to pass along to my readers.

To repeat myself from my last post on this subject:

...I believe it is necessary to use at least some insecticides and fungicides in growing roses. All roses are susceptible to attacks by spider mites, aphids, Japanese beetles (JBs) etc., and it is virtually impossible to completely control these insects in a large garden by sharp sprays of water or, in the case of JBs, by hand picking. By the same token, it is virtually impossible to grow exhibition quality roses without controlling the multiple spores of black spot and anthracnose funguses through the use of fungicides.  

I would add to this that there are some wonderful roses that are quite resistant to black spot. Several of the Buck roses, such as Carefree Beauty, Earth Song and Prairie Harvest are good examples.  I have two beds that contain these roses, exclusively, and I seldom have to spray fungicide.  However, even they will show signs of anthracnose and some spores of black spot, once they are present elsewhere in the garden,  The bottom line is that selectively using the "right" fungicide, once or twice in an IPM discipline, will control these problems but, in my experience, the fact still remains that I always end up using some fungicide each year. (I will be writing more about what is the "right" fungicide and how often to use it, in a subsequent post.)

So, starting from that premise, I'd like to focus first on something that doesn't get enough attention among rosarians; that is, protecting yourself from the dangers of spraying insecticides and fungicides, whatever they may be. So, let's start where most articles seem  to give only lip service, and talk about how not to breathe in rose chemicals or get them on your clothing or skin.

With the exception of spraying diluted dish-washing soap on certain insects, or baking soda on funguses like powdery mildew, there is no such thing as a safe insectide or fungicide, and the most important thing is not to get this stuff in your eyes, breathe it into your lungs or get it on your skin.

Let's start with what to wear over your clothes.  Tyvek coverall suits, which are made from coated paper, are by far the best thing available for overall bodily protection.  They are inexpensive, comfortable,  and can be washed off with a hose after using them.  I find that one Tyvek suit lasts me at least one whole summer and sometimes more, if I don't have to spray too often (I still have last year's suit hanging in my garage, so that should tell you something).  They come in a variety of sizes and some have hoods, which are very desirable.  Tyvek suits are available from Rosemania: http://www.rosemania.com/ .

What to wear on your hands?  I use disposable nitrile gloves.  They are very protective and can be either washed off or thrown away after each use.  They are also very useful around the garden, especially working in the soil and weeding.  Mills Fleet Farm sells them in their catalog as milking gloves.  I wear the "Milkhouse" brand and here is their catalog page:
http://www.fleetfarm.com/search/?q=milking+gloves&searchSubmit.x=0&searchSubmit.y=0&searchSubmit=submit

What to wear on your face?  Let's start with what not to wear:  Do not wear the ubiquitous, cheap paper masks.  They filter dust and not much more and provide very little protection from fluid sprays.  If you can smell what you're spraying, you're breathing in the chemical, and you definitely smell it when you wear a paper mask.  You need a really good respirator and one for which you can easily get replacement canisters.  The world leader in respirators is the 3M company, here in Minnesota, and I highly recommend their products, not only because they are designed to fit perfectly, but also because you will have no problem finding replacement canisters at the same place you buy your respirator.  The less expensive 3M respirators cover just your nose and mouth, leaving your eyes and the rest of your face uncovered.  You can use safety glasses, but they are open around the edges, allowing any back-spray from wind etc. to find its way inside.  I highly recommend spending a little more and buying one of 3M's "Ultimate" full face-mask respirators.  I have been using one for several years and can tell you that when you put it on you are completely isolated from the spray environment.  The neighbors might look askance and my cat is afraid of me, but who cares, I'm safe inside this mask.  The mask shown below is the 3M Ultimate FX Full Facepiece Respirator and the cartridge is their "Organic Vapor/Acid Gas Cartridge/Filter 60923", which is their best cartridge that filters out virtually everything.  These are the "pink" cartridges on their website. I have done some research with 3M about how often to replace these canisters and they have informed me that if I can smell acetate (nail polish remover) when sniffing the bottle it's time to replace the cannister (that hasn't happened yet).  Note that you can buy these products directly on-line from 3M or from one of their distributors, which are shown by clicking the "Where to Buy" tab on the upper-right corner of the page. The address of the respirator website page is below.  You can cut and paste this URL into your browser address bar:
http://solutions.3m.com/wps/portal/3M/en_US/PPESafetySolutions/PPESafety/Personal_Protective_Equipment/Product_Catalog/?N=5022986&rt=c3







Without going into great detail, I know from personal experience how important a good full facepiece respirator is. I had been using a half-facepiece respirator with a much lower quality canister than recommended above and I incurred a pretty serious health problem, probably from spraying the miticide Avid.   That's when I bought my full-face respirator and became much more conscious of how much spraying is really necessary, given both health and environmental concerns.

As a final consideration, it is very important to put your respirator and gloves on when you mix your chemicals, not just when you start spraying. Many compounds, especially the wettable powders, give off a little "puff" when they hit the water and you certainly do not want to inhale that concentrated little cloud.  It is very tempting to leave off your protective gear, especially the respirator, until you're ready to begin spraying, but that is a mistake, no matter how inconvenient it may seem.

Next time, I will deal with some ideas about not using chemical sprays on your roses at all, or at least significantly minimizing them.

Please let me know if you have any questions or opinions.  Send me an e-mail to jack@falkerinvestments.com or leave me a comment at the bottom of this page.

Jack Falker
02.09.13

"Bob's Mix" Organic Fertilizer Sale

This blog is especially directed to my readers in Minnesota. 

The Twin Cities Rose Club will be having their annual fertilizer and plant sale on April 13 and 20th. 

"Bob's Mix" is absolutely the best organic fertilizer available for roses.  It is also great througout the garden; I find it especially useful on tomatoes.  If you grow roses in Minnesota and haven't used Bob's Mix, you are really missing something.  It is blended especially for the TCRC and is sold only once each year at the TCRC annual plant sale.

Here's the ingredient breakdown of Bob's Mix: Alfalfa meal, blood meal, soybean meal, pork meal, bone meal, fish meal, Milorganite and magnesium sulfate (Epsom salts).

The prices are as follows: 50 pound bag, $30.00; 25 pound bag, $20.00.  The best deal is obviously the 50 pound bag. If you don't need that much this year, you can store it in your garage or shed; it doesn't go bad (if it doesn't get wet, of course).

The trick here is that you have to order in advance, before March 18th, so they know how many bags to make up.  Pickup is at the plant sale on April 13 and 20th at the garden of Scott Hoffman,  3834 Queen Ave N Minneapolis, MN 55412.

To order Bob's Mix, just call the number on the advertisement below or find the order form at this address:  https://docs.google.com/viewer?url=http%3A%2F%2Ftwincitiesrose.org%2Fevents%2F2013_Bobs_Mix_.pdf

Another Warm Winter and... Coffee Grounds!

It's another warm winter in Minnesota and, you might say, if it's gotten so much warmer here, it's likely to have gotten a lot warmer everywhere else too.  Our Twin Cities climate now resembles what DesMoines or Chicago were like ten years ago.  By the same token, DesMoines likely resembles what St. Louis was like and Chicago like Louisville, etc.  As I have said before, you might debate what is causing climate change, but you can't debate what has happened over the last ten years.

 

I follow the weather blog of my friend Paul Douglas, who is the chief meteorologist both of  the Minneapolis Star Tribune and WeatherNation TV, a new, national 24/7 weather channel with studios in Denver and Minneapolis (which Paul founded).  I was looking at the long-range temperature models on his daily blog and noticed that the probability of deep cold has diminished substantially for the rest of January in the Twin Cities.  I mentioned that to Paul in an e-mail and noted that if we don't have temperatures of -10(f) or colder in the next couple of weeks, we are going to have our first USDA Zone 6 winter in history in the Twin Cities.  This conforms with the statistically valid trend line of my 50-year Extreme Minimum Temperature (EMT) graph that I prepared using Minnesota Climatology/NOAA data.  That graph (below) indicates that, not only have we moved into USDA Zone 5, but that we are headed for USDA Zone 6 in several more years (or maybe sooner).

 

Paul wrote about our e-mail conversation in today's Star-Tribune and in his blog.  Here is what he had to say, as well as the address of his blog:

http://www.startribune.com/weather/blogs/Paul_Douglas_on_Weather.html

 

"I asked Pete Boulay, at the Minnesota Climatology Working Group, for his perspective and here is an excerpt of what he wrote:

 

"We usually prefer a 7-year moving average to look at recent trends. Here is a graph of seasonal HDD (heating degree data) values for the Twin Cities from 1891-92 to 2011-12 (the last time we have a complete season). Yes, I believe we have saved a lot of money (heating our homes and businesses) in recent winters."

"Tracking The Trends. The graph above, from the Minnesota State Climatology Office and the MN DNR, shows heating degree days since 1891-92. To calculate the heating degree data for any given data determine the average temperature (high and low) and subtract from 65. So an average of 10 degrees F. would equate to 55 heating degree days, and then add them up over time. The black solid line above shows a smoothed trend line, showing a drop in HDD since the early 70s as Minnesota winters have warmed over time. It's hardly breaking news: our winters are trending milder over time."

"Coldest Nighttime Lows at MSP Since 1963. Here is another interesting way to look at the data, a graph showing the coldest nighttime low (for every winter) going back nearly 60 years. The black line is the trend line over time, showing the same gradual warming trend. It's not getting as cold, for as long, as it did back in the 60s and 70s. Again, if you've been paying attention, this hardly comes as breaking news. Thanks to Jack Falker, an accomplished rose grower from Edina, for passing this along. Jack has compelling evidence that the Twin Cities metro is already in USDA Zone #5 (warming from Zone #4 in recent years). He suspects we may be close to entering Climate Zone #6 before long. Jack Falker writes:

Twin Cities in USDA Zone 5

"With our very warm 2012, and much warmer than normal winter-to-date in 2013, it becomes more and more obvious to me as a rose gardener that the Twin Cities have moved firmly into USDA Zone 5, where the extreme minimum temperature (EMT) is expected to be between -10 and -20 degrees, rather than our previous EMT expectation in Zone 4 of -20 to -30 degrees.

Notice how the upward slope of the 50 year graph I developed using Minnesota Climatology (NOAA) statistics, takes us right out of USDA Zone 4 into Zone 5. And following that upward slope, it looks like we could be headed higher yet toward Zone 6 (EMT -0 to -10). Last fall and winter-to-date in 2013 certainly bear that out. Our EMT thus far in January was -5 on January 1st and, looking at the models in your weather blog on Thursday, January 10th, it looks like we might not get much colder than that, which would be our first zone 6 winter, with the highest EMT on my 50 year graph and perhaps in history."

 

So, we shall see what the next couple of weeks bring, but the models indicate that our low temperature for 2013 will probably be warmer than -10 (i.e. Zone 6).

 

Coffee Grounds in my Mulch Pile

 

It's 40 degrees here today and everything, including my big shredded oak leaf mulch pile, is thawing out (this is why you cover your roses so they don't thaw).  So I went to my local Starbucks, ordered a cup of decaf, and asked for all their coffee grounds (my kind of stick-up).  I left with a great decaf Pike Place pour-over and three big bags of fresh grounds totaling about 120 pounds.  I brought them home and immediately worked them into my mulch pile, where they are beginning their good work, as I write.

 

I will elaborate on this in a future blog, but what's important to realize until then is that the pH of Starbucks grounds is 6.2, which is right in the range we’re shooting for in growing roses. And that’s not all. They’re also a slow-release fertilizer with 2.28% nitrogen, .06% phosphorus and .6% potassium.
 

So, that said, now is a perfect time to get on over to your local coffee shop and get some great coffee-ground "green manure" for your winter mulch pile!

 

Stay tuned!

 

Jack Falker

 

January 11, 2013

 

 

 

Hazardous Roses

This is the first of several articles I will be posting about the hazards of growing roses, both to the rose gardener and the environment.  I am the first to admit that I have been guilty of creating these hazards, both to the environment and to myself, through the extensive use of fungicides and insecticides in my gardens.  By the same token, I have also learned a great deal over the years about minimizing the use of chemicals through integrated pest management (IPM), which I would like to pass along to my readers.

First, let me say that I believe it is necessary to use at least some insecticides and fungicides in growing roses.  All roses are susceptible to attacks by spider mites, aphids, Japanese beetles (JBs) etc., and it is virtually impossible to completely control these insects in a large garden by sharp sprays of water or, in the case of JBs, by hand picking.  By the same token, it is virtually impossible to grow exhibition quality roses without controlling the multiple spores of black spot and anthracnose funguses through the use of fungicides.  I know there are gardens that spray nothing at all, but these are also gardens that are subject to insect infestations and funguses during a significant part of every growing season.  

So the question is not whether to use chemicals; it is which chemicals provide the greatest effectiveness with the fewest hazards to the environment and the gardener; and how often those chemicals should be used.  The good news is that some of the best insecticides and fungicides are also among the least hazardous and require the lowest frequency of use.  The bad news is that many people are confused by which chemicals to use; plus they are led to believe that they must use chemicals every week or two, in order to keep them effective.  That is not at all surprising because it is in the interest of chemical manufacturers to sell their particular products and convince you to use them often.

I just paged through the most recent edition of the American Rose, the magazine of the American Rose Society, which, for many of us, is the bi-monthly rosarian bible.  In this edition, I found no less than 15 separate ads and references for rose chemicals.  Rosemania, which in my opinion is the best provider of rose growing supplies in the country, lists 16 different rose chemicals in this month’s ad, alone.  (As a side note, I am astounded at the prices for some of this stuff!)  At the front of the magazine, the ARS lists its tested and endorsed chemicals.  So, are these the safest and most effective chemicals?  Not necessarily, in my opinion.  I am sure the ARS could not publish the American Rose without the advertising revenues from chemical manufacturers and distributors, so it is difficult for them to state opinions on which products are the safest and most effective.  Not since the passing of Howard Walters, who provided his opinions in his monthly “Rosarian Ramblings” columns, have we had any such direction in the American Rose.

 

Howard’s shoes are way too big for me to fill but I will try, in the weeks ahead, to describe what I believe are the safest and most effective chemicals available to us as rose growers today.  I have already done some of this in several of my previous blog posts; most notably “There’s a Fungusamongus”: http://jack-rosarian.blogspot.com/2012/07/theres-fungusamongus.html and “Good Results Using Demand CS on JBs”: http://jack-rosarian.blogspot.com/2012/07/good-results-using-demand-cs-on-jbs.html .

 

I am also very interested in the effects on the environment of what we spray.  Specifically I will address effects on beneficial insects, especially bees and the extensive world-wide problem of colony collapse disorder (CCD).  It now appears that we are contributing to CCD with the extensive use of imidacloprid (Merit) and other insecticides containing neonicotinoids in the rose garden.

 

Finally, I will be addressing personal safety through the use of proper breathing apparatus and overall bodily protection.  Unfortunately, I have had personal experience with the effects of spraying rose chemicals with protection I thought was sufficient, but which clearly was not.

 Stay tuned.

 

 

Snow, Glorious Snow!

The very best winter protection for our roses is a foot of snow and that's exactly what we got today, Sunday, December 9th.  Not only does it provide better insulation than you can get from any other kind of winter protection, but it also gives you lovely, trickling moisture in the spring, when it melts.  One of our Twin Cities Rose Club members, Tim Schmaltz, once said, jokingly, that the TCRC ought to invest in a snow-making machine, to be hauled around to members' gardens, in winters when we don't get enough snow before our coldest weather in January.  More truth than joking in that idea!  One of the things I do to supplement the snow cover on my beds is to run my snow blower along the edges and throw snow up on the beds from the lawn.  This works particularly well in years when we don't get much snow, like last winter.

So, to paraphrase Dickens' "Oliver Twist":  "Snow, Glorious Snow"!

Here are a few pictures of my rose beds taken early this afternoon.  Note that my leaf cylinders and bags are thoroughly supplemented with a beautiful white layer of insulation.

Here is my Buck Earth Song bed, with my koi pond and Morden Centennial bed in the background.  I have posted this same view in the summer-time several times.

Below are two tiered beds with a variety of Buck roses and Hardy Canadiens, such as Winnipeg Parks (left) and Morden Blush (right)

Below is the Earth Song bed looking in the other direction, i.e. up toward the deck where the first picture was taken.

A little broader panorama of the tiered beds and the back of our house in the snow.



Below: The Buck "Carefree Beauty" and "Earth Song" bed in front of our house.  The pretty tree is a "Thornless Hawthorn".  The fence is there to keep our cat away from any dead voles that have taken the Zinc Phosphide poison positioned around the bed in tin-cans and large black plastic rodent traps.  Now that the snow is on the beds, I won't worry about him getting at the poison itself.  (Note how the camera flash caught the big snow flakes falling).

Below are four Buck "Earth Songs" in a little bed at the edge of our garage.  Again, the fence is for the cat.

 

Snakes

Well, since there isn't much to talk about around here now that the roses are put to bed for the winter  I thought it might be fun to contemplate something else.  How about snakes in the garden?

The only snakes we see in my part of Minnesota are the ubiquitous Garter Snakes.  I don't like them much and whenever I see one (usually around my koi pond) I reach for "Snake Away", which, incidentally, is a very good product.  I was amused to learn that, while it's 100% effective in deterring garter snakes, it is only about 50% effective in deterring rattle snakes, which caused me to think:  That's sure better than nothing, and what's the alternative?

Anyway, I'm sure the garter snakes are fully hibernated around my garden at the moment.  A friend of mine just e-mailed me the following article which I think is pretty funny.  I hope you laugh out loud (LOL) as I did.

Garter Snakes (Thamnophissirtalis), can be dangerous. Yes, grass snakes, not rattlesnakes. Here's why.

A couple in Sweetwater, Texas, had a lot of potted plants. During a recent cold spell, the wife was bringing a lot of them indoors to protect them from a possible freeze.

It turned out that a little green garden grass snake was hidden in one of the plants. When it had warmed up, it slithered out and the wife saw it go under the sofa.

She let out a very loud scream.

The husband (who was taking a shower) ran out into the living room naked to see what the problem was. She told him there was a snake under the sofa.

He got down on the floor on his hands and knees to look for it. About that time the family dog came and cold-nosed him on the behind. He thought the snake had bitten him, so he screamed and fell over on the floor.

His wife thought he had had a heart attack, so she covered him up, told him to lie still and called an ambulance.

The attendants rushed in, would not listen to his protests, loaded him on the stretcher, and started carrying him out.

About that time, the snake came out from under the sofa and the Emergency Medical Technician saw it and dropped his end of the stretcher. That's when the man broke his leg and why he is still in the hospital.

The wife still had the problem of the snake in the house, so she called on a neighbor, who volunteered to capture the snake. He armed himself with a rolled-up newspaper and began poking under the couch. Soon he decided it was gone and told the woman, who sat down on the sofa in relief.

But while relaxing, her hand dangled in between the cushions, where she felt the snake wriggling around. She screamed and fainted; the snake rushed back under the sofa.

The neighbor man, seeing her lying there passed out, tried to use CPR to revive her.

The neighbor's wife, who had just returned from shopping at the grocery store, saw her husband's mouth on the woman's mouth and slammed her husband in the back of the head with a bag of canned goods, knocking him out and cutting his scalp to a point where it needed stitches.

The noise woke the woman from her faint and she saw her neighbor lying on the floor with his wife bending over him, so she assumed that the snake had bitten him. She went to the kitchen and got a small bottle of whiskey, and began pouring it down the man's throat.

By now, the police had arrived.
 

Breathe here...

They saw the unconscious man, smelled the whiskey, and assumed that a drunken fight had occurred. They were about to arrest them all, when the women tried to explain how it all happened over a little garden snake!

The police called an ambulance, which took away the neighbour and his sobbing wife.

Now, the little snake again crawled out from under the sofa and one of the policemen drew his gun and fired at it. He missed the snake and hit the leg of the end table. The table fell over, the lamp on it shattered and, as the bulb broke, it started a fire in the drapes.

The other policeman tried to beat out the flames, and fell through the window into the yard on top of the family dog who, startled, jumped out and raced into the street, where an oncoming car swerved to avoid it and smashed into the parked police car.

Meanwhile, neighbours saw the burning drapes and called in the fire department. The firemen had started raising the fire ladder when they were halfway down the street. The rising ladder tore out the overhead wires, put out the power, and disconnected the telephones in a ten-square city block area (but they did get the house fire out).

Time passed! Both men were discharged from the hospital, the house was repaired, the dog came home, the police acquired a new car and all was right with their world.

A while later they were watching TV and the weatherman announced a cold snap for that night. The wife asked her husband if he thought they should bring in their plants for the night.

And that's when he shot her.